haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
