i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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