Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
