Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
