you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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