he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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