I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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