i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
