Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
