If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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