when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
