dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
