i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
