All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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