youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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