Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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