he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
