Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Randomize
