then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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