Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
