just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
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