Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
