Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I party with great urgency now.
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