Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
