I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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