The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
His nipple licking is glorious
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