Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
