Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
