This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
