I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
