Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
