My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
