I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
