I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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