bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
