I feel great
I just peed on a car
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
