if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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