it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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