i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
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