This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
