there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
