Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
