He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
