Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I would fuck him just for his dog
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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