I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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