hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
