i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
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I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
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Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.