I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
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I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
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Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad