I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
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HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
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I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs