Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
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Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
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She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing