She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
