I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Randomize
