Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
