Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
