Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
