Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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