I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
