I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
