I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
