Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Is Oprah even human
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
